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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 26, 2012 6:00pm-6:30pm PDT

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this i the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hello, everybody. welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart and we have a very, very pleasant show for you this evening. our guest, will ferrell will be our guest, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) wow. wow. wow. i can't believe people remember that old show mash. well, that's mike farrell. i apologize. oh, really, that's the same joke i used last time will ferrell was here? they didn't laugh at that one either. what are you doing?
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listen. over the past few weeks, there has been something of a national hullabaloo, a countrywide brouhaha, an american (mumbling), all over comments made by radio shock- blob rush limbaugh. >> sandra fluke said that it's too expensive to have sex in law school without mandated insurance coverage. it makes her a slut, right? it makes her a prostitute. >> jon: sure. my god. that is the most noxious, hateful filth i've heard since earlier in his program or the program before that one or really every show that he's done for the past 30 years. but this time, whether because the woman that he attacked is a private citizen or because the words came in the context of any woman who wishes contraception to be covered by
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their insurance plans is a moral reprobate, picking rush limbaugh's pocket so they can bang like horny bonabows, which is to say, bonabows... let's face it, they're all pretty horny. this time limbaugh's daily noon to 3:00 afternoon "mouth dump" caused outrage. creating-- by the way, that is the title of his program. "my daily mouth dump." he caused problems creating a little bit of a dilemma for the right. did they repudiate mr. limbaugh, their lion, their champion, a man republicans made an honorary member of congress in 1994, a man they've chosen to honor with a bust in the missouri state capital? this man. >> our friend rush limbaugh who is so involved leading the way on the conservative cause.
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>> jon: by the way that is an official tribute to rush limbaugh on the house floor. i don't know if you noticed the date on that. it was october, 2001. yeah. mother (beep). weeks after the september 11 attacks. rerepudiate him? but if they defend him they risk the ire of all those people in the country whose heads have not yet been dittoed. although there is a third choice. >> people on the right were going, hey, wait a minute. there's a guy on the left, bill maher who hosts that show on hbo. he says really reprehensible things about all sorts of people. >> he called governor palin the c-word and the t-word. >> jon: what? c and t? no, no. palin can't be both captain and tenile. ( applause ) oh, really?
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yeah, that's pretty bad. and (beep). no, that's bad. all right. so i guess by bringing up bill maher, i guess by bringing up bill maher fox is saying, so we're even, right? offsetting penalties. let's just say we all get back to what really matters to americans, whether obama is a sunni or a shia. but fox wasn't done. >> when the liberals hide behind comedy and say, oh, i'm a comedian, i can say these hateful and vile things. >> this is the humor card that they always play as their last resort. it really is the ultimate sign of cowardice. if i said i'm not just a columnist. i'm also a comedian, put a clown nose on, clown shoes, would that be okay? they hide under the helmet of, oh, i'm a comedian so i can get away with that. >> jon: okay. first of all, comedians don't wear helmets.
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i don't know where you're going to see comedy, but it is not a helmeted art form. i think you may have been watching the x-games. they wear helmets. second of all, he's a comedian was your whole defense on limbaugh. >> limbaugh said friday he was just being provocative. his stock and trade. >> if anybody doesn't realize that we are illustrating absurdity here by being absurd and that that is the trademark of this program. >> he's being absurd. an entertainer can be absurd. >> jon: i see you're allowed to hide under an inten taner's helmet. come on! see, here's the other thing that i'm sick and tired of about this comedian thing. nobody's hiding behind comedy. and there are repercussions for what comedians say. when you're doing it in a club, there are repercussions.
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ask michael richards. ask tracy morgan. if you do comedy on television, there are repercussions. ask me. >> did jon stewart mock republican presidential candidate herman cain because he's a black man? >> jon: yes. that's exactly why i mocked him. because he's a black man. and it's not just news networks calling you racist. that are the repercussions that comedians face at times. it's the letters that they get. many of them handwritten. some of them containing white powder in the envelope. you know, when i got into comedy, i didn't think the white powder i would be getting was anthrax. by the way, for those of you at home, don't snort anthrax. so you see feedback and
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repercussions come in many forms so don't pre-pretend that by people saying being comedians they're hiding. tharb not. they're just telling you that the language of satire is slightly different than the language of newscasters. language in general has repercussions like when ted nugent faced a nationwide boycott for this. >> that was friend and frequent guest on the program ted nugent. >> jon: right. ted nugent didn't get boycotted. that was the dixie chicks for saying on stage they were ashamed president bush was from texas but that makes sense. nugent was sentenced for his die tribe to having to jam cat scratch fever with huck. i'm not saying that speech should be policed and censored and boycotted or people don't have the right to say crazy things or to boycott things.
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i don't believe that's true. i think speech should be much freer. but here's one thing i do believe. fox, shut the (beep) up about how victimized you and you alone are. nobody cares. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. we have been discussing the
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relative offense i have beenness of rush limbaugh's sandra fluke slut die tribe versus bill maher's sarah palin c-word slam. for more, we're joined by daily show senior women's issues correspondent kristen schaal. thank you for joining us. ( applause ) kristen, what do you make of this controversy? >> well, jon, for starters i think we're focusing way too much on the name-calling and the partisan bickering because at the end of the day we can all agree on one thing: women are either sluts or (beep). right? depending on whether you're on the left or right. obviously independents would use bitch. they're rebels. >> jon: obviously they're not the only three words you could.... >> oh, right. i forgot whore. i'm such a silly slut.
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>> jon: if everybody uses derogatory language on the political spectrum, then how do women choose which.... >> i like to look past the name calling to what i call the policies. in state after state it seems the republican policies speak even louder than some of their radial jerks. oh, sorry. i said jerks. that was so slutty of me to say. >> jon: it's okay. >> okay. look at texas. they've cut funding for breast exams and pap smears. >> jon: you feel like if republicans want to gain favor with women they need to change their policies. >> no, no, no, no. i'm saying they should use the amnesty they think is granted to comedians and reframe their policies as comedy. the material is there, okay. trust me. they just need to work on their delivery. >> jon: so you're... oh, you're going to leave? >> here we go.
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republicans, watch and learn. >> jon: what are you... where are you.... >> hey! how is everyone doing tonight? ( cheers and applause ) let's get this mother (beep) giggle coaster rolling. so i just flew in from virginia and boy does my vagina tired. from the involuntary ultrasound, am i right, ladies? by the way, why do they call it a wand? where are we, hog warts, right? the only thing magically disappearing was my sense of dignity and privacy. boom! thank you. ( applause ) thank you. thank you. see, jon, you say boom that means the punch line has landed. watch and learn, buddy.
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here's a good one. anybody here from oklahoma? anyone? no. okay. no fans from oklahoma on the daily show. what's the difference between a fertilized egg, a corporation, and a woman? one of them is not considered a person in oklahoma. boom! thank you. ( applause ) thank you. it's the woman. yeah. it's the woman. the corporation and the eggs are people. that's why it's funny. truth in comedy. this (beep) could write itself. you guys like impressions? huh? ( applause ) you dove dice. isn't he like your brother or something? >> jon: no. >> hickory dick ory dock, what is all this information about my fetus? you're my doctor for christ's sake. end of story. i got a cigarette all the time.
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dice. ( applause ) knock, knock. >> jon: who's there? >> unwanted transvaginal ultrasound. >> jon: unwanted.... >> there it is. this guy knows what i'm talking about. >> jon: no, i don't think what you're talking about. >> what do you do for a living, sir? >> jon: i host the show you're on. >> whoa, whoa, watch the attitude, okay. i don't come over to where you work and knock the penis jokes out of your mouth. >> jon: this is where i work. >> oh. i really like it here. thank you so much for having me. >> jon: thank you, kristen. kristen schaal, everybody.
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( applause ) having one of those days?
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tired. groggy. can't seem to get anything done. it makes for one, lousy day. but when you're alert and energetic... that's different. you're more with it, sharper, getting stuff done. this is why people choose 5-hour energy over 9-million times a week. it gives them the alert, energetic feeling they need to get stuff done. 5-hour energy...when you gotta get stuff done.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight. oh, we love him. his new film:
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>> jon: please welcome back to the show will ferrell. ( cheers and applause )
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not all comedians wear helmets? ( applause ) you, my friend, are a c, and a t, and a d. dick. >> jon: so all three. >> you're all three. >> jon: at the same time. >> never been done before. >> jon: never been done before. that is a miracle. >> that is a miracle. >> jon: where did you find that? >> what do you mean where did i find this? i'm a comedian and i'm wearing my comedy helmet. ( applause ) >> jon: i don't know why we had that here.
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the helmet thing. you were like, hey, does anybody have a bike helmet or a roller blade helmet. where the (beep) did you get a bike helmet? >> it must be from the daily show softball team. >> jon: here's the problem. >> not only that you had three of them. i had to choose from three of them. >> jon: what was the difference in the three? sizing. >> no this one just looked smart. >> jon: you look like the great gazu right now. >> it really shows how lame a batting helmet looks if you're not playing baseball. >> jon: it really does. most helmets if you're not doing the thing that it's designed to be doing... even a bike helmet. >> i take that back. if you're wearing a cool bad-ass motorcycle helmet. you could walk in some place and people would say, all right. i like that guy. but if i walk into the local tavern and say, hey, pete, hey, john, how are you?
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i'll have a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich. but. >> jon: but i think if you went into a local bar and ordered a coffee and a ham sandwich that would be a problem. >> you don't go to my bar. >> jon: don't you think if you had a helmet you could be like a colorful character like johnny soft skull is here. >> like the neighborhood guy that everyone takes pity on. >> jon: the one who wears the helmet all the time. >> if you wore it long enough, you would then be accepted. >> jon: how long do you think you and i could bet that you'll wear this helmet? how long would you do it? would you wear this helmet for 24 hours? >> easily. i thought you were going to say like a month. would i wear it for a month. so that every public appearance you saw from this point on....
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>> jon: (laughing) >> am i allowed to explain the helmet? no, i don't get to explain it. >> jon: no. you just have to wear it. every now and again, some of your people with you have to do this. and do that. >> i would do it. >> jon: if you did that for a month i would wear a chest protector for a month. think about it. >> let me think about it. see, i have to fly tonight. i have to go on a plane. >> jon: what better time to wear a helmet? >> yeah. are they going to let me get this through security though? >> jon: not only will you get through security you'll set a new plane travel trend. people will start lining up with helmets on. >> look, we don't have a lot of time. >> jon: we don't. >> i'm only out here for four minutes. >> jon: the film.... >> yes it's all in spanish. i speak spanish. i don't speak spanish but i learned spanish for this movie. incredible cast.
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>> jon: if you're going to start pitching your movie, i really should put the helmet on. here we go. ( applause ) i do not have a helmet. my head just doesn't... it's like.... >> i thought you looked very good. >> jon: i'm suddenly seven years old. put it back on you. i don't speak spanish or know what it's supposed to sound like. let me say this, it sounded like great spanish. >> it's good. i've been told it's very good spanish. >> jon: everything that you say wearing a helmet carries more weight. >> it certainly does. >> jon: when you say it with a helmet i'm like (beep) this guy is in danger. that's how important your movie is. you put yourself in danger. >> i put myself in danger and i decided to make the choice to come here. i could have been anywhere in
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the city. but i'm here. i'm in danger so i wear my helmet. >> jon: people don't talk enough about concussions and comedians. >> they really don't. >> jon: it's about time. >> that's why i'm doing this series of psas. and i'm also on fox and friends. >> jon: talk about people who should be wearing (beep) helmets. all right. so case de me potter. >> casa de me padre. >> jon: wow. it's going to be in theaters... what's the spanish word for friday. >> it means the vagina of the sun. i didn't learn it. i just couldn't say it the right way. it would be in theaters on
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friday. >> jon: in spanish how do you say friday? vagina. >> what is it? viernes. >> jon: that counts. >> i know how to say vagina in swedish. >> jon: how. >> that's actually the c-word in swedish. don't say that. ♪ we ran a mile before breakfast ♪ ♪ sure, i had a salad for lunch ♪ ♪ but a miller 64 at dinner? ♪ oh yes, 'cause i've worked off my paunch ♪ ♪ 'cause we live a life of balance ♪
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♪ and no one can say that we're wrong ♪ ♪ so here's to good miller, who cut out the filler ♪ ♪ and made a beer worthy of song ♪ ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to love, sweat and beers and well deserved cheers ♪ ♪ to miller 64
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> is it okay to call a woman th

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